Thursday, June 5, 2008
Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don't
It seems to me that my relationships always have one thing in common: I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't. If I change my hair to please someone, then I end up hating it so they can like how I look. If I quit smoking because someone doesn't like the smell, then I end up feeling resentful. If I dress a certain way, I might get more attention from my man, but I feel totally awkward and uncomfortable. I've had men who wouldn't touch me because they said I was too fat, and another who wouldn't touch me because he said I was too skinny. "You'll never have curves like Shakira," Quote, end quote. So I either eat like a pig, or I starve and vomit. On the other hand, if I don't make these changes, I have to worry that my man will start to look for someone who has the right kind of hair, or clothes, or I have to sit across the room and never receive any attention, physical or otherwise, from them, because they think I stink like a cigarette. Honestly, I have no clothing style because everything I owned came from a thrift store, purchased from sheer necessity and not because I thought it looked cool. Perhaps one day I will find someone who likes me just the way I am, but more importantly, I will find the strength and confidence to like myself, and to hell with anybody who has a problem with it.